the odd state of despair
by samandfreddie
Summary: the words leave her mouth with a bittersweet taste, because she knows there is no going back. s&f&c


**_author's note: read and tell me what you think. disclaimer: i don't own what i don't own. eiddes. {lauren}_**

x

she has always loved being the center of attention, being the star of the show.

it came with growing up with a doting and much older brother, who pretty much spoiled her rotten and let her do all she wanted. it came with grandparents who lived far away and therefore couldn't help but shower her with affection whenever they had the chance to be with her. it came with having a father in the navy, who's love was so big it could fill the hole her mother had left in their lives.

it came with her looks, pretty and soft and kind. it came with her popularity (is that _the_ carly shay?) and natural persuasive charms. heck, it even came with having the boy next door be head over heels for her. it came with every first impression she received, expectations of perfection that she couldn't help but deliver.

(because she loved looking in the mirror and seeing no flaws)

and though, she tried hard not to be, sometimes she was self-centered and vain and way too obsessed about keeping herself important and relevant.

sometimes, she likes to think that sam and freddie couldn't breathe without her.

(but, as she stood in the doorway of her apartment, seeing them together, asleep on her couch with content expressions on their faces, she had to think twice and wonder if they needed her at all.)

x

it starts slowly, subtly. a feeling of creeping jealousy and maliciousness and evil. a blood red wine stain on an angelic white dress.

it was a sharp and painful prick, both to her ego and her heart, that occured whenever she caught sam and freddie smiling as they glanced at each other, laughing at something she doesn't quite understand, and lighting up whenever the other would walk into the room.

it felt like they were the sun and she was the moon and though she tried so very hard to take a part of each of them with her, she was losing them to one another. and they were the center of the universe, brightly burning, while she slowly burned herself out and faded into nothingness. just a pile of floating dust in a galaxy full of stars. and the thought scared her.

it scared her so much that whenever she looked at the mirror, she no longer saw perfection.

all she saw was that she was alone.

x

sam tells her she likes freddie "in _that_ way."

she whispers it into carly's ears, a slightly breathless giggle following her confession and carly's breath hitches, because she had never even in her wildest dreams, thought the day would come where sam would come running to her about having a crush on freddie, _freddie benson_.

but when sam adapts a confused expression at her lack of reaction, she instantly plasters a smile on her face and tells her she is _"so happy and can't wait for them to end up together!"_

and even though the soft and angelic smile sam sends her way after her statement stabs her with a sword dripping with guilt, she swallows it and barely chokes out her words.

"i'm your best friend, sam, i'll always be here for you."

x

it happens inevitably, like the passing of time ― how she slowly loses purpose in their lives.

and it's silly that she feels that way because sam loves her like a sister and freddie has always stood by her, right?

(right?)

but why did they ignore her calls and dear god, _why_ did she find them slow dancing on freddie's fire escape to a song she has never heard before but vaguely recognizes that the title in its chorus is something she had found in both sam and freddie's pearpods and chalked up as conincidence?

she doesn't interrupt them, though, because there is something about the fire escape that suffocates her, and it is only later, much later, that she realizes that it is because she had mentally dubbed it as a place that belonged only to _sam and freddie_. not _sam, freddie and carly_. just them.

and then she finally breaks down and cries into her pillow because she can't stop the burning feeling in her stomach and the painful thud in her chest at the thought of her two best friends, the two people she loved most in the world, loving each other in a way that doesn't fit her in.

(she feels so selfish and she hates it so much but she can't stop it)

x

she doesn't mean to, but she does.

after a busy afternoon of icarly rehearsals, with sam and freddie subtly flirting all throughout it, she finally gives in.

after sam had surprisingly gone home and freddie had stood up to take his leave, she couldn't stop herself in time.

"freddie, wait!"

and when he turns around to ask her what she wanted, she stands on the tips of her toes and presses her lips against his, hard.

he doesn't respond, and honestly, she never expected him to, but the piece of knowledge still broke her heart.

(wasn't he in love with her?)

and when she slowly pulls away and looks into his eyes, she manages to speak with every ounce of courage left in her.

"do you want to be my boyfriend?" the words leave her mouth with a bittersweet taste, because she knows there is no going back.

and there is a flicker of confusion behind his eyes when she says this, and she cannot help but notice the way his eyes briefly dart to the _transparent_ _glass_ _door_ of the studio but she is too afraid to turn around and see what, or _who_ , had gotten him so distracted.

but suddenly, his eyes fill with pain and anger and he runs a hand through his hair in frustration.

"yes, of course." he tries to smile and she ignores the way the pain in his eyes makes her stomach twist with regret and shame.

his answer should have made her happy, elated, satisfied, wanted, _needed._

but when freddie goes home, she sits at the floor of the studio and cries.

(she hates herself so so so much)

x

sam forgives her (even though she doesn't know she was doing so) because she is a much better friend than carly will ever be.

"hey carls, when were you gonna tell me about you and the nub dating?"

at her jaw dropping, sam shrugged and said, "i went back to the studio because i remembered something i forgot to take and saw you two kissing. honestly, i don't understand why you couldn't have just told me, it's not like i care if you and the nub date, even if he's a _really_ big nub."

freddie doesn't look at her once, even as sam insults him, and she thinks she should be happy, could be happy, even with the way freddie stares a hole into his shoes and how sam's expression looks a little too much like she's about to cry.

but she's not. all she feels is her guilt slowly drowning her and she doesn't try to fight it, doesn't try to swim and stay afloat, because she knows she deserves it.

(but at least she was perfect, once again)

x

their friendship becomes strained.

sam tries to crack jokes and act like everything is normal but carly is too guilty to laugh and freddie has stopped talking when sam is in the room. it is not long before it affects icarly and they all mutually decide on ending it, giving the reason that they were in their senior year of high school and had to focus on their studies.

it is hard to breathe sometimes, because icarly felt so much like a part of them that they needed, especially sam, who had focused all of her efforts into it and had used it as an escape.

and soon, sam leaves only a letter behind her and carly tries not to cry because she deserves to be left behind for what she's done, for all the destruction she had caused.

 ** _carly (and frednub, if you're there)_** ,

 ** _i'm sorry for not doing this in person, but you know how i am, don't you?_**

 ** _i just ― i couldn't handle being there anymore. icarly (and of course carly herself) used to be the one reason i had that made me stay, in seattle and maybe, america._**

 ** _but now it's gone and carly, you have freddie now, and i don't think i could have stayed even if i wanted to._**

 ** _i need to do this, i'm so sorry._**

 ** _i love you, carls. freddie, take care of her ... and yourself, too, of course._**

 ** _see you again someday,_**

 ** _sam puckett_**

freddie looks so choked up, so pained and crushed, but he never succumbs to his tears and she thinks that maybe, she was wrong ―

maybe, he never really loved her at all.

x

spencer talks to her about their mother.

she doesn't know why he had the urge to do so, but she had a hunch that he hoped it was what would get her out of the slump she had fallen into when sam had left. she felt so alone.

(because whether she knew it or not, sam took freddie with her when she left, and what remained was only a shell of the boy he used to be, and carly knew it was her own fault that everything was falling apart and _imperfect)_

spencer had gone into her room, hiding something behind his back. and when he revealed it, she saw that it was a picture, a _complete family picture_ , something she had never seen in their household.

there she was, a woman with the same dark brown curls as hers plastered to the sides of her face and a small baby girl in her arms. _that's me_ , she thought. next, she recognized her father, but at the same time, he looked so foreign to her. he wasn't in his uniform and the only thing familiar to her about this version of him was the loving gaze he directed at her mother, only because he looked at her this way, too. and then, there was spencer, younger but still goofy and who looked like the most excited little boy in the world about being an older brother.

when her eyes finally met her brother's, her vision was blurry because of her tears.

spencer smiled softly, knowingly and patted her shoulder in comfort.

before he left, he turned back to glance at her one last time before saying, "all your life, we showered you with love, carly. mom believed that true strength was in being able to love freely and unselfishly, in being able to understand even the love that is not your own. she loved you so much and all she ever wanted was for you to be able to love like that, too. she used to say, _'love should set you free.'_ "

he smiled at her again before shutting the door behind him.

this time, she doesn't cry.

she looks down at the picture cradled in her hands and traces the smile on her mother's face, glowing with so much love and affection and a wave of unexpected calm washes over her.

"i know what i should do now," she whispers to it, "and i love you, too, mom."

x

she talks to freddie the very next day.

she is shocked to find him in the state he was in. if she had thought she had fallen into a slump, freddie had slipped and fell and rolled in it a few more times just for good measure.

his eyes looked as if they were empty, not warm chocolate brown like usual, and the bags under it looked as though they weighed so much that it was painful. his hair was unkempt, nothing at all like how he always styled it, neat with every strand in place. stubble had grown over his chin and jawline and truthfully, he looked like he had had the life sucked out of him.

she had to fix this.

she bit the tip of her tongue nervously, _but how?_

she opens her mouth and the words tumble out of her lips.

"let's break up."

x

freddie leaves to find sam and only leaves a post it note with the words, **_i'm sorry._**

(she knows he meant so much more and she understands, really, she does)

she doesn't scream or cry or shout, because it was inevitable.

finally, she could breathe.

sam and freddie had never needed her less, they just loved each other more.

she wishes she could go back in time and take it all back, but she can't.

instead, she prays and hopes for the best.

x

one day, a few years later, she goes out and gets her mail and an envelope in pale pastel blue falls out from between her electricity and water bill.

 ** _you are cordially invited to the wedding of sam puckett and fredward benson on the ..._**

she rushes through the rest and finds a footnote at the bottom of the card.

 ** _be my maid of honor?_** it said in sam's scratchy handwriting.

 ** _we miss you, don't even think about not attending!_** it said in freddie's neat print.

she smiles.


End file.
